By Father Joseph Chan Wing-chiu
After attending a three-day study camp for clergy organised by the diocese at the beginning of January, I boarded an evening flight to the Philippines together with Bishop Stephen Chow Sau Yan, SJ, and vicar general, Father Paul Kam Po-wai, for another week of study camp. These 10 days were a good opportunity for me to reflect on my new duties over the past year.
It was not an easy decision for me to take on a new task when I had reached a stage in my life where I was quite settled. There would be somehow a feeling of unease. If I hadn’t had the time to stop and explore the deep emotions that lie within me, I wouldn’t have discovered that this unease included mixed feelings: confusion, nervousness, worry, embarrassment, annoyance, anxiety, panic, discomfort, reluctance, etc.
As these emotions were put into words, I allowed myself to spend some time with them, and the seemingly “negative” feelings I was experiencing prompted me to ask myself: is this decision really that bad for me? This internal question brought about a change of heart and reminded me of some of the good experiences I had had in my work, experiences that reminded me of my beginning, my ideals, my mission… and my heart immediately felt content, peaceful, inspired, grateful, hopeful, relieved, relaxed, loved, free and at ease.
When I first decided to take on this task, among the many complex emotions, there was one that I was not aware of, and it was an important feeling: freedom. In my quiet reflection, I felt clearly that I was free to make this decision. This feeling of freedom comes from the biblical verse read by a familiar voice within: “the glorious freedom of the children of God” [Romans 8:21].
This is the gentle reminder and encouragement I receive from the Holy Spirit whenever it leads me to do something that I find difficult. I found out that these many emotions are just a veil and that there is a deeper message to be revealed in them. When we find something difficult means that we have not mastered it, that we need to take the risk that we might fail, that we may need to suffer and change. All of these things have caused me to worry about losing my inner peace. But it is precisely this anxiety that has confirmed my need for God’s help and blessings.
I remember that in the many spiritual books I have read, the spiritual experiences of the saints are always difficult, and the road to sanctification is always a rough one. But it is not their intelligence that makes them saints. Of course, all saints need to work hard, but more importantly, saints trust in God with all their heart, and have steadfast faith in the midst of many tests.
I thank the Lord for leading me to stop and explore my hidden emotions and needs so that I can make free choices; for the emotions he has given me through which I can turn to him and recognise his company and favour.
